_ reverie _

2006-08-14T19:34:00.000+08:00

it's been 2 years.

with its marking, this blog will be abandoned as of tonite.

so we'll get acquainted somewhere else.

2006-08-14T01:03:00.000+08:00

i live to let you shine

2006-08-09T12:39:00.000+08:00

.21.

was just talking to Duncan at Morgan's last nite. a flow of random small-talks. he made me feel younger than i usually would. gawd, what was i thinking? 21 and i'm already seriously contemplating my withering days.

but at 21, i'm only starting to live life, nothing before that matters now. 21, you know a lil more about love, a lil' bit more to hate. you know about hypocrisy, you know how to pick up a fight and how to let one down. you've learnt to read people, read minds. understand what is truly behind a wink, a shudder. you know about sex, about boys and men. you can finally differentiate love from lust. you know how it really is to hurt, to weep. you can identify epitomes. to follow a voice that sings, and to shun the one that echoes in your darkness. you know all the signs of human nature, the good and the bad. you know how is it like to go to school. you know how it feels when the other kids poke fun at you. you picked up the ciggarettes, you try to give to up. you curse too much, you try to cut it down. you pull your hair out and you cut yourself a slack. you run away and then you come back.

it takes a quarter of your life to figure all that out. and the rest of your to live it.

let your hair down, at 50, you'd wish you had time to run it all back, and go thru' all the experimenting again.

there's a door in front of you, take a chance, swing it open.

you're not so old after all. honest.

2006-08-09T01:59:00.000+08:00

.claypot fish.

i found the pics in el's cellphone.
fish was just 8 weeks old. oh~ how i miss those fish dribbling in my finger days.
and i really just woke up.

2006-08-08T02:00:00.000+08:00

喜欢听歌感人的歌
它让我觉的爱是对的
睡不觉我就醒著
不再让日子被打乱了
寂寞很吵我很安静
情虛很多我很正定
因为头入所以放弃
不愿再被痛醒
故直算不算任性的要求
付出也可能看不到结果
中于你還是选择了放手
用逃避让感情犯错

喜欢唱歌动人的歌
它让我觉的爱是对的
得不到我就放弃
不去触到我的需要
寂寞很吵我很安静
情虛很多我很正定
因为头入所以放弃
不愿再被痛醒
沈默算不算任性的要求
人总是不能太容易感动
当爱失去自我失去包容
只想要总很难解脱

2006-08-07T02:39:00.000+08:00

.winter dew.

[29th july 06'- midland]

2006-08-05T02:06:00.000+08:00

.this heart beats for you.

[flying fish doesnt mingle with the other dogs, she's more of a people person.]

i have nightmares all the time. and i hate waking up to nothing.
sometimes you dream about something particular so often so much,
you'd start to think if it's just another recurring premonition.
you wake up in a pool of tears. not because of the demeaning flashbacks.
but because of what might be ahead of you.

i dont remember having the habit of crying so much. i think i do now, only because i know elroy would be there to dry em' up fer me. i just need to invite some spring-air. it is really simple.

leave the past where it belongs.

anw, we bought a 4-litre Ford today.

always,
jessie

2006-08-01T00:38:00.000+08:00

hmmmm?!

2006-07-31T08:50:00.000+08:00

still a little bit if your words i long to hear.

2006-07-31T00:46:00.000+08:00

tough times don't last, tough men do.

[finally after her 3rd vaccination]
fish'es first walk. =]
more like an-hour of crazy sprinting and grass stalking.
but yea, the first step always takes a while, aye?

2006-07-29T22:20:00.000+08:00

.of love and broken pieces.

fish says hi. she-devil really.

and the girlies in my ride. following behind el's wheels.

and leen, all adorable.

i'm not feeling all too good today. been having a row of fucked up days lately.
i can feel the emo rising.

'i've never meant to hurt you, i've never meant to be so cold.'
it always makes me wonder, how could anyone do something/anything without having his/her heart meaning to do it. even fer that slightest bit. i cannot explain its elements. even so. i do it too. maybe fer a moment i meant it, and then that moment died. but i meant it. even if it was just fer a while. i did, with all my heart wanted it to mean something.
mostly i just dont know why, or how.

i've had a few excessively dramatic relationships in my years.
funny how they all seem to make me an undying marathon runner.
and the happier ones i can never really remember much or any of it.
yet sometimes i feel as if i dont know any more than elroy.
or that i know too much of the sadness that could be hiding behind one.
it's like i forgot the foundation of a simple bond.
and am still forgetting.

i am weary.

2006-07-24T01:05:00.000+08:00

gosh.

been a while ainnit? didnt realise how easy it really is to be detached from the www. i've been consuming regurgitated thoughts. and i'm getting fat at that.

the plan to change my url would have to put off fer a bit. the reasons are apparent to myself. and it will be that way. it might be my random fickle-ness. or rather the lack of conviction to a single blogname itself. long time. or something else.

back in sg.

well so the secret blew over. it wasnt as exciting or half as fulfilling as i thought it would have been. it was great seeing everyone again. but i forgot most of what we spent our time doing. they were 'pleasantly' [or so i hope] surprised to just see me back in town. and so was i. but much of my 2 weeks back in singapore i was trying to find a space to fit in. the weather made me really grouchy, and half of the time i was just obliged to go out and meet people. my folks are good and mom especially endearing, same ol' same ol', hardly saw much of my sis and my dog couldnt really be bothered with me. he's old now, and i can almost feel the weathered coldness on his droopy face. i feel apart already. i'm afraid to give up my freedom bestowed. i cannot compromise. it's scary.

[mervyn and drew at the charity fest, army boys now.]

hanging out fer dinner was awesome, the bunch's still pretty much the same. i had it good. them. good.
the change i could smell was clara's differences. and i recognize it's origins, i understand it completely. and she's still that babe i very much adore.

my trip back home was enlightening, much of it, i wished el was around to live it up with me. i missed fish. the cold. and mostly the grandness of not having to live thru buried [yet very alive and thumping close] memories and bump into terrible people. you cannot imagine.

back in aust.

soon as i got back. i moved the last bits of my scraps to the new place. coleen came over the same time so it's just been really edgy trying to pull my strings together and make it nice and cosy fer the both of us. shortly after, jean arrived down under. so now it's the 3 of us. us gurls and my attachee boyfriend. =] i know now what tough shite it can be to play host. guide. and encyclopedia all at the same time. but i've learnt my bits from there. good thing.

i took a life away. that closes a chapter. completely

i've been frantically driving all over the place. finally the urgency of getting hell right with the streets came around. good thing.

and i found a job. good thing.

that's about all. tell me why i should tell you more? i'm capable of not conversing within the web fer more than a month and am not driven insane. i must say i am impressed. so scurry away now so i can keep my daym mouth shut.

2006-06-21T21:33:00.000+08:00

effective soon : change of blog url.

so to the uninvited: be gone. be gone now.

2006-06-17T03:34:00.000+08:00

.checking in-out.

.freo shipwreck gallery -undated.

it's winter now.
and sometimes it gets too cold.
but the heart gets colder.
i have to only be thankful, creeping up to elroy.
i'd slip my icy fingers under his coat and shirt. Feel his goosepimples with the tip of my skin. For moments, he would shiver, but he'd always look at me adoringly, and let his body heat warm up my hands. and my heart. always.
those eyes that tell me he'd never desert me, in times of all.

Fer a while i've lost touch with my world. dipping my toes into that familiar depression i once fully dwelled in.
i remember her telling me - depression, the disease of not feeling, starts to manifest itself as tantrums, hysteria, excess - then it effervesces into the disease of feeling too much.
after recalling, i'd write. and write and write. and doodle sillouettes that seems somewhat meaningless. i keep reminding myself. i can do this. more so, i can do this alone.

[...]

In the movie Wolf, Jack Nicholson says in his role: "you're very beautiful and you think men are only interested in you because you're beautiful. but you want them to be interested in you because you're you. the problem is, aside from all that beauty you're not very interesting; you're rude, you're hostile, you're sullen, you're withdrawn. i know: you want someone to look past all that, at the real person underneath. but the only reason anyone would look past all that is because you are beautiful. it's ironic, isnt it? in a cold way, you are your own problem."

after that i wonder, how could we have all missed that? how?

[...]

i havent found australia completely friendly with my kind. then again, they dont appear hostile. i like how the people in this country lack judgment, i like to know how i can dress down in a jumper and nothing beneath, a pair of crummy trackpants and know that the rest of the world wouldn't look at me like i'm funny or more importantly, strange. i like how i can lift my head up at night and watch the billions of stars twinkle at my breath. the crest staring back me, shooting me to sleep with its gleaming rays. i like how no one know where i've been, when i'd be gone.

that aside, i'm not fond of the most gurls here. then again, i've never been so.

most of the days not blogging have been spent settling enrolment fer new modules. a double major triggers more responsibilities, a difficult balance but a sweeter reap. job applications and interviews which have all been unrequited. watching fish grow up, watching fish grow up, watching fish grow up. reaching out fer bits and pieces of home. pre-house-warming. dvd-movie rampage [on the average 3 per nite]. reading and doodling. opening my heart up to el.

i called home weeping buckets that nite after an almost silent row with my housemate/s. mom and dad got really jitty. but i couldnt bring myself to tell em' how sorry i was. fer failing my power to be strong and stronger. most of what i felt was ache, it wasn't the usual anger, wasn't the usal pain, it was longing ache, that i thought i would have never recognized. dad called many times after i hung up. I told him i've grown, yet i'm not so sure if he'd believe me this time.

in a cafe, i made friends. much old-er but very comforting. fer quite a while i was the warm jessie. betrothed to another name. it's a weird equation but it's simple. and i like it because it is. simple.

my heels are grotequesly cracked. like a 50year-old laundry auntie.

other than all that, nothing eventful. you can blog surf now. scurry away.

2006-06-17T03:03:00.000+08:00

I was a child and she was a child
in a kingdom by the sea
but we loved with a love that was more than love
I and my Isobel lee

the stars never rise but i feel the bright eyes
of the beautiful Isobel lee
and the moon never beams without bringing my dreams
of the beautiful Isobel lee.

-heights-

2006-06-17T02:43:00.000+08:00

Hope.

her mind is a graveyard
her heart is an island
she and i are not good friends
but i've known her all my life

she sits in my belly, hollow and distant
and her whispered words of encouragement would only comfort me

i'm onto her track, her false promises
go away, i tell her
i'm busy today, i've got things to do
but this acquaintence don't know when to leave

it is not a question of why she befriended me in the first place
it is more the question why i chose to let her stay

2006-06-05T17:22:00.000+08:00

i am spent.

2006-06-05T04:31:00.000+08:00

.how much time do we have.

oakover, swan valley, may 06'

there are some things you can never explain. time will run in your veins just like how the blood flows warm. you dont want to spend another second trying to decipher what happened or what might. you just hold on to what is so beautiful, so timeless. you hold on very tight. and never let it go.

when your heart becomes that selfess, even death can fail you. even then, you will learn to smile.

2006-06-05T00:59:00.000+08:00

.likewise.be forgotten.

oakover - may 06'

it was much later in the years that i managed to keep myself re-evaluating my life, the people in it, the immense love and pain i had to go thru and deal with.
maybe watching the movie alone wasnt such a good idea afterall. most of it had nothing to do with me having to live thru it myself, it was the memories the crept in slowly, quietly.
i'm starting to think that running away wasnt that much of a splendid idea, that at some point i need to avoid my desire to escape, but if you ask me again, i'd still do the same, only because i have no other simple solution. i've always held the spectrum of my issues in the very middle of my palms, and when the juices seep thru my fingers, i clench my fist, hoping to crush every bit of it, so i can start all over again. the thing about me, if you hadn't realize, is that i stubbornly and religiously take things too seriously. much of my life is easy, but i took it too hard which gradually led to a sick paranoia of which i lost control of. Now that life is a brand new start, i fear fer it to come back and haunt me again. i am afriad things would be the same, or not. that is why i stand still right in the middle of my gray personal space, unsure of what to do next, and where to go from here.

i've been here for almost 5 months now, and i know fer sure that much of my past is unable to come back and fight me. but what is uncertain, is that whether or not i am running back to fight it. it still bites but i must understand that i should not be ashamed to admit i had gone mental at that. but i guess it still hurts when people recognize that i did. should i be proud to say that i was at least able to hold myself up, keep a straight face to those whom i love? or should i cower in a miserable corner to register that i was never a truly genuine persona?

more than often i do what i please and deem fit. i think about the friends i've made here, those of which in time i never took any heart to appreciate. it is much like a mental block, which is derived from my stubborn unwillingness to break away from people at home. i've always felt a desperate need for people to know what i have been thru, or fer them to at least go thru it with me. but i've failed, to understand that it is not always about myself, that life is larger than it within my sight, that this is what i want, a new start that would mean fer me to cast away the old and embrace the new.

yet everysingleday i talk about the same ol' people, those who've seen me weep and heard me scream. i've been given a headstart of which i've sinfully rejected.

all that, that came and went away. i must be remember their occurences, so i will never take life for granted again.

alot has happened since.

Uni
The sem has finally ended, i do think i've done pretty decent. i've recklessly survived a term of uni. but now and then, i still think about my choice, of how hard it is really, to steer away from the unscrupulous legal industry. but how much i loved it and how much work i've reflected from it. my prospects are now wider and more promising if it may be. yet i honestly dont know what am i feeling empty about. and no, i am pretty certain it is not about faith.

Break
The end of Uni welcomes a long 2-month term break. but i will not be returning home, which is sad but positively taunting. i am looking to get a job, preferably in a law firm as a pt paralegal that would definitely offer four times the pay of which i'd get in sg. that itself, would simply justify not having to go back and incur more uneccessary costs. then again, the job searching havent been gg very well, i've sent out about 10 resumes, but only 1 called back. i've never been rejected interviews before, so i must say, i am not taking it very well at all. the main reason would comfotably be, that i am an international student and would afterall be only avail pt on student visa. so yes, fuck that.

Moving
[Jo, if you are reading this, dont tell mom anything, least not yet.]
yea, i am looking to move, after 2 months i am about to be pushed off the edge, staying with 3 other men. it is well established, boys are good friends [sometimes], but definitely not fantastic housemates, it is a pressure that i simply do not need. On top of that, Coleen [high sch mate] and Jean are heading down under next sem. In fact i've already gotten a house [which is beautiful and a perfect deal], 3 gurls, so i'm looking to more clean comfort and less sloppy irritants. I dont really know how is it to describe my gurlies coming over, it's like we can never be torn apart, but the notion hasnt really registered yet. still, i'm bustling and looking forward to a better home. fer the new house, it takes 2 minutes fer el to come over so it's all good.

weather
it's winter now. cuddle fer heat.

mass.
I've gain weight, it doesnt say so on the weighing machine, but my levi's tells me so. most would say, i could do with some flesh so i would look less anorexic and more importantly less of a "matchstick" [of which they call me]. i say, i'm not so sure about it myself. The food here is pretty much shite, and shite expensive as well. i can see how people get so fat over here. it doesnt need much discussion.

"Fish"
El and I have had her fer 2 weeks now. she's much bigger now and gradually unveiling the jack russell in her after her quiet scam fer us to bring her home. El loses his patience sometimes, mostly when he has to wake up to mini piles of crap and blots of pee on the carpet instead of jumping in fer a mawning kiss. in any case, she's been handful, potty training and getting her not to nibble our fingers and toes. She takes up alot of our time, which on some part is a good thing, cos we're quitting the sticks, and far as i can recall, we've dragged less than 6 fer the past two weeks now. when you get up and about in the mawnin, it's not the cigarettes you think of, it's the amount of crap you're bracing yourself to face and whether or not you've squashed her in your sleep [she sleeps on my bed]. it's how you long to head home from a long day out, know that there's gonna be alot of cleaning up to do yet still love her because she's the one who will never stop wanting you home, wanting every bit of your attention, no matter how you smack her buttocks and make her yelp in desperation. the little gnaws, pounces and nudges, makes you whole. it might not have been a thorough decision. but it's certainly one that makes family. one that builds speechless bonds. and one that i have learnt to embrace.

stopping the sticks is much harder than anticipated. but since i found the stupidity to pick it up and realize it really doesnt make me any cooler, harhar, i must find the courage to drop it like it's hot. it's nice to know that my ferragamo after i've come home, still smells just like i've stepped out with it.

El.
half a year [technically 9 months, but it's a long story you wont be interested to know] and counting. strong and adoring. we endure.

pause.

i miss home [bret, jo, mom and dad], queer and terribly. the food, the people the strange strangers and the moist feel and smell.
i never knew i could be this icky about it, i was never a very homely gurl, always dying to venture to foreign lands. where i reckoned it all lies.
but, until el and i return end-year, i can only reminisce
and clara [my miraculous godsend], i'm sorry i wouldnt be there fer your big 21st, i've missed out on much. but when you're home, embrace it like it's not only from you, but from me too. =] love ya truckloads.

[jp, spence, al and hans, august, meet we shall.]

xxoo
jessie

2006-06-01T00:56:00.000+08:00

.jess away.

[oakover estate - swanvalley 06']

I was just a boy when I sat down
To watch the news on TV
I saw some ordinary slaughter
I saw some routine atrocity
My father said, don't look away
You got to be strong, you got to be bold, now
He said, that in the end it is beauty
That is going to save the world, now

Nature Boy
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds
From Abattoir Blues

i know i havent been blogging anything substantial lately.
i've just been really caught up with the massive changes amidst the end of my semester.
til i find a solid ground to lay my head, i can only leave you with this.

love,
jess

2006-05-22T00:36:00.000+08:00

qian's gone.

it really is quick.

i survived 8 full days with him, now i'm pretty sure i can survive just about anything.
heh.

in all, we had good fun. and it's always nice to have an old familiar face, bursting with that singapore slang/ profanities i've always embraced.

we were bent on doing things we [or rather he] never did.
so we hit the burswood. as qian would deny his tempting addiction. got owned at the 21 table.

and the stripclub. [that i would appreciate not going into details about]

freo fer fishn'chips and then clowned the shipwreck gallery.

shot solid rockets.

went down country to check out the vineyards and to get jp her favourite wine.
[p.s. hey gurl,the red claw @ fishtail wine wasn't avail. so i got you the port that taste very similar to that. and i hope you like the adorable lil' port sippers too. love ya.]

gourmet-ed.

nougat-ed

the result of a random choice as agenda reaped us bountiful joy. we got to this wildlife park, that truly is way better than Perth Zoo in any case. much more interactive and very personal too. =]

so we talked to kangaroos. sniffed butts. potentially humped em'.

mocked at fat terrible smelling wombats.

poked koalas.

conspired to steal puffed clueless bunnies. failed.

and fer all that, i truly only have one man to thank. my selfless other, truest solitude and solemn-est teacher. you who went beyond your non-obligatory limits, who put me and my ideals before yours. and showed me how groundless love can be.

most would remember how i used to hope that my marry-material would be just like my dad. [and that my father is so cool]. then i grew up, i kinda just laffed at myself and it away. how dumb, generally impractical and mildy morbid it is. but el's little notions and ideals are very much like papa, yet i naturally love those tiny bits of him. which means, a tender, silly lil' thought could have been that innocent and naive, yet so correct. it prolly wouldnt be considered a dream come true. but i'm certain i could never be bestowed with another man just this perfect.

~ i love you. rarrrr.

even as crazy as my desires can be/are, he never stopped trying to complete me.

...
and so, he bought me the smallest life i could have ever held in my bare palms.

meet 8-week-old "fish" folks.
my boyfriend bought me a puppy. and i'm thankful and pleased to tears.

now, i can just hope bret wouldnt tear fish into bits.

2006-05-13T02:53:00.000+08:00

LOOK WHO"S COME DOWN UNDER??

heh..

more importantly, we got mr qianocourier to ship us our latest baby.

so as you can tell, el is ecstatic.
[and no, they were not wearing matching tees]

cos we bought ourselves a freakensleek PSP.
the coolest thing is that [plug in the wireless transmitter and] it plays surround-sound movies [and musique] in my ride. mob a carsuctionstand [!]
bite us. =]

ridgeracerridgeracerridgeracerridgeracerridgeracerridgeracerr
[smugs]

2006-05-12T03:50:00.000+08:00

at times, i feel like i deserve much better than such contumelious crap they give me.

when faces turn over materialism. sincerity is then doubted. trust issues arise. and friendships fall off the edge.

you stuck your finger out to burn fer them. they take you fer granted.

you feel fucken unappreciated. nothing changes. they then tell you to bart out. they'd be good on their own. very blardee-fucken simple.

and then even when you've not acted out of malice. you realize that what they think of you now, is prolly what they've always thought so many years since.

expired child.

2006-05-08T01:23:00.000+08:00

.Used.

Why shed so many tears when life will shed none fer you?

I never had to ask anyone:- “how am I going to do this [or anything else] all by myself?”

They didn’t have to abandon me, because I will eventually abandon them.
And I just work my roads out, alone, over and over and over again.

They will always flip your pages.
They will read your life like it didn’t really matter.
They will always make you more of the victim that you already are.
And they will be indifferent.

They will hold you like a stranger, mind whoring with dirt.

They never meant you hurt you, just like how they did with love.
You’re tainted. lesser, smaller than they are. It wouldn’t be any different if they trampled on your back. because you are denied of that right to retaliate. you will whimper in pain. you are an expired product. And you will never be liberated. Even if you opened your heart wide and naked, it will never be filled. Your hopes are fantasies. And your beliefs are broken.

Yet.

There is nothing to fear, nothing to hope fer and nothing to rewind.
There is only a step to take forward, another to forget.
It will all be a pinprick, never truly pristine.
There is no one to depend on.
Because I will be “I”, without you.

It wasn’t curiosity that killed the cat.

2006-05-02T02:02:00.000+08:00

.trufflesweet. =]

.stardust.

if you'd be my star, i'll be your sky...
you can hide underneath me and come out at nite,
when i turn jet black, and you show off your light.
i live to let you shine.
i live to let you shine.

you can skyrocket away from here.
and never come back again,
find another galaxy far from here, with more room to fly.
just leave me your stardust to remember you by

if you'd be my boat, i'll be your sea...
with depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
having and flowing and pushed by the breeze
i live to make you free
i live to make you free

you can set sail from here to the west if you want to
past the horizon til i can't even see you
far from here, where the beaches are wide.
just leave me awake to remember you by.

it's this song i came across playing in the background of one of the windows i opened online. it sticks. i've been singing to and naturally memorizing the lyrics fer the past hour. but google didnt find the singer/title. how bout my personal googles here? aye?

2006-05-01T04:21:00.000+08:00

.unconditional.

his half smile.

i would think most people dont have the heart to read another's blog completely. let alone bother to understand and digest the innuendoes and what-have-you(s).

even if it really is just giberrish, take heart.

after saying that, i reckon you bastards will still continue to do a mere sift thru the pictures and read my mind thru the colours and expressions of the apparent objects. heh. but nah, i dont mind any bit of that at all. tho' i used to. well~ I read blogs too, [only a handful, i'd truly take heart to comprehend] and sometimes i wonder if the blogger knows how little her/his words sometimes means to me.

then again comes the role of the man in my life. i prolly shouldnt say this, but since it's long gone and over, i would...
i remember my ex telling me how he couldnt bothered to read the stuff i write/[i.e wrote]. that he is with me everyday, he'd know what i've been up to/am thinking. and then of cos' he does the "why do i have to read updates when you can just tell me stuff face to face?!" good question to which i have no answer to til' now [i can be a fucken stubborn avoider i must say]. really.
is, when i do sit in front of my com and unleash my possibly dramatic / completely uneventful day, i'm absorbed into this vacuum of ermh ... protection [?] where i do not have to fear a disagreement/heated fight/headbanging, thoughts are better structured and the day would make more sense. Assuming he read my shite, i thought he knew what i felt/was thinking/me. [at this point, you all should be shaking your head "gurls....", but you gotta live with em' too, so yea, blardee harhar fer you]
but alas, in the absence of my words/his efforts, neither did he know how much i loved him, nor at any point in time did he realize the rut i was in.
so then comes the breakup, which is honestly quite a fucken norm, i weep my soul away and much later finally manage to pick up my shite and get on with my goddamn life, afterwhich he comes back, claiming how thorough he had gone thru my blog since i was gone, and is v.sorry he didnt know/never did give a shite. so shyte?! how now brown cow??

expectations [more like hopes] of friends vs bf = impossible to strike a balance.

-i see now, v.much better days.-

with elroy, we carry each other in our hearts.
i listen to him intently. i memorize his every expression. i register his every tone. and sense his every touch. i know he takes my every word seriously and would die to know how i truly feel. he needn't have to tell me, i know he'd come to this page every day. and he'd love me harder fer my complications. i can see it in his eyes that everday he'd know a lil' more about me. and everyday i'd feel more complete.

i suppose it's now safe to say that we've established an understanding...
fer all that, i love you. thanks fer being that every lil' bit that you are.
=] fer long time, with me.

2006-05-01T03:59:00.000+08:00

.huddle up.

fer bball.

china-style dinner

getting pissed and guessing games.

2006-05-01T03:50:00.000+08:00

if you'd ever read this, this is fer you.
just so you know, you're stronger because you have us, all of us...
[i hope it works the wonders fer you like it always does fer me.]

I measure every grief I meet
With analytic eyes;
I wonder if it weighs like mine,
Or has an easier size.

I wonder if they bore it long,
Or did it just begin?
I could not tell the date of mine,
It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live,
And if they have to try,
And whether, could they choose between,
They would not rather die.

I wonder if when years have piled--
Some thousands--on the cause
Of early hurt, if such a lapse
Could give them any pause;

Or would they go on aching still
Through centuries above,
Enlightened to a larger pain
By contrast with the love.

The grieved are many, I am told;
The reason deeper lies,--
Death is but one and comes but once
And only nails the eyes.

There's grief of want, and grief of cold,--
A sort they call 'despair,'
There's banishment from native eyes,
In sight of native air.

And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly yet to me
A piercing comfort it affords
In passing Calvary,

To note the fashions of the cross
Of those that stand alone
Still fascinated to presume
That some are like my own.

-Emily Dickinson

2006-05-01T03:15:00.000+08:00

.i know.

another weekend's gone.
and much has happened. most of which i took quite badly was the unfortunate news from home. and it wrenches to feel so far away. it's hard to be around. harder even to show how much i care.

fer a friday starter i slept in, thereafter on saturday afternoon i got really grumpy, "eeky insides", mostly because if i've had to stay home fer just another bit i'd prolly end up drowning myself in an emotional wreck. so i took a packer:- camera, novel, pencil, sketchbook, sticks, mp3 and cell. slipped into a jumper and headed out fer a stroll. a long stroll.

i called the numerous ppl. to keep touch, to send love, and to receive the same.
and i came home, knowing that tomorrow will not be any lesser than today.

2006-04-28T02:09:00.000+08:00

it's finally fucken over!

i submitted 4 fucken essays today, and closed up with a 20 minute presentation.

there's other 3 essays, 3 exams and 2 f.huge ass projects pending in the weeks to come.
but at least. i can take some time to warm up under my covers and wake up to a v. loving bf.

arh~ i'll just wait fer qian to head down under now.

[and ya, i know i swear alot]

2006-04-27T08:11:00.000+08:00

.you dont know me, you dont even care.

it's o8:12, i'm listening to augustana's Boston.
i dont know why but it feels apt fer this very cold morning.
it's early. i'm more than often, still asleep.
but nah~ i didnt just get up. i didnt sleep at all. i've spent the whole of my nite rushing out the last bits of my presentation.
now i'm just waiting fer the mawning talkback show to come on, so i can finish up my critical opinion essay.
that would draw the line ending my past 3 weeks of academic misery.

i havent been able to sleep lately anws.
the sun would be up, and so would i.
i would lie in bed fer hours on end, awake. so, i'd think, about random things like home, like my past, like my friends, like everything else.
when my day ends, i hope to come home fer a deep worryless kip.
hopefully, i'd get to dive into elroy's tummy, hopefully, he'd be around to cuddle, to watch me sleep.

i'm tired. but hardly sleepy. my lids are not battering.
i'm battling with myself inside. i need some sun, some light to bask under, musique to hum to, knees drawn, cigarette in a hand, coffee on the table and paint a little something.

-so i'll see ya guys in my thoughts.-

2006-04-25T03:03:00.000+08:00

2006-04-25T01:54:00.000+08:00

we went to the nickelback concert!

the dynamic opening. [!]
drummer's got skillzz and certainly some beefy looks too aye. =]

there were desperate sweaty, bouncy, smelly fat chix tho'. brrrrr.
but yea,
awesome stuff. =]

well, the one week easter hols is over. out of the good 7 days. i've stayed home fer 6, buried under my thurs-due essays. i deserve a good blast break ok...

tomorrow's ANZAC, pub hols again, mmm. another day at home. i'm gonna burn all my books. [runs around frantic]

Love,
jess.

2006-04-24T04:41:00.000+08:00

.my 21. my jack of hearts.

i love you, completely. let the stars dust on us.

2006-04-24T04:39:00.000+08:00

mehurmehurmwaharharhar

2006-04-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

.satu satu dua. a hundred and twelve.

i'd always remember how we went to bangkok.
and the numerous times i tried to bargain in malay.
lol.

and how Clara slaps me on my head and shouts: "You think Malaysia arh?!"
then we fall on each other laffing like nutheads.

-sigh- i miss how she calls me JESSICA SEAH TINGTING! when she's pissed at me and doesnt remember how to pronounce my name the proper chinese version. =]

and hans says : more like seah ting tong. [rofl.]
arh~ i love my ppl.
=]

2006-04-23T21:21:00.000+08:00

did i mention?

that my best friend is heading down under to WA to study come July?
heh. they hound me. they really do.
but a gurlie to shop in the city and chill in cafes with me, how can that not be a good thing?
8 years- and counting.

talking to the guys on msn focuses on a new hot topic:
"wah sian~ i think i need to find myself a gf."

then it makes me feel sad fer al.
with two of us gurlies so far away, he's gonna be left all alone with not feminine company at all.
i think it only strikes him now, that he really just misses us buggin him all the time.
hopefully, within these years that we'd be gone. he'd save on fuel.
and not get attached to gurls with funny names.
=]
aww~ i miss my yeo han ping.

i do feel that after i've been gone. the boys have no gurlfriends to poke fun at. Hans and Qian esp lost that lovely supper/lepak buddy. =]
no more gurlie who'd swear as hard as they do...
and being nocturnal, sometimes it gets really hard to past time at nite.
now, i can only sit in front of the comp, and read out what i've typed tho' i so badly want to say it all in their faces.
that lost of phyisical-ness, sitting there, random useless conversations, with my knees drawn t my body, fingers poking at the tissue prata and complaining about diabetic ice milo-es.
hmmmm...

2006-04-21T02:08:00.000+08:00

.nocturnal.

that's estella [el's lil sis], training fer her gym competition at our place.

[well, there are two livings in our home, the one upstairs' not exactly furnished yet, explains the extra space.]
she comes over in the mornings... stretches out and practices her routines fer hours. I, drag myself out of bed with the usual morning allergies so she doesnt have to go thru it all by herself. I sit by her side, snap candid shots, listen to her excitable exclaimations and watch her strut in circles. she makes me feel as if i havent done anything much at all when i was younger, that i could have had her little spirit, be more enthusiastic and determined about stuff. basically, I feel old. it's queer, but i'm starting to enjoy this regular, funny morning company of my boyfriend's lil sister. well therefter i make lunch fer all, after she leaves, i head back to bed, neither sore nor pissed, but feeling v. satisfied that i actually had that bit in me.

i havent slept normal fer some time, i think my nocturnal instincts are petitioning to make a comeback. after estella leaves, i head back to bed, get up hours later, stare at the com and texts hoping to ooze some juice out fer my ceaseless essays, yet completely unproductive. so i proceed to make family dinner, after dinner, i go fer a drive, then we watch random dvds. Inspiration only starts to seep in much later in the nite or during my shower, thereafter i spend hours spilling across the pages. which ends my day at about 5/6 in the mornings. ergh. 3/4 hours later, i wake up fer estella. and the cycle repeats itself.

i dont think i've drank so much breakfast juice or have eaten that much cereal in my entire life compared to the past 2ish months since i came. I am quite certain i've put on some weight, i can feel it. but the weighing machine says otherwise [crosses fingers]. last week we went out fer basketball games, i reckon it's a little like learning how to ride a bike/swimming, you can never truly forget the technics, i can still shoot hoops pretty well and do decent layups. that's weight losing right there. heh. [yar lar, we'd go again, i suppose]. jessie needs toning up.

ok. i've got juice fer my essays. =]

2006-04-17T03:21:00.000+08:00

a dream is a wish your heart makes,
dream and your wish will come true.

this pic was taken 2 years back.
notice how my palms were so tightly knitted.
i suppose subconsciously, i had an intense dream fer several seconds.
it didnt come true. and i am fine.

2006-04-16T03:25:00.000+08:00

.V for Vendetta.

thru'out the movie, not fer once had i hoped fer vendetta to unveil his real identity. there's something about that mask that kinda draws me closer.
and it sorta makes the entire movie so much more intriguing to watch.

i reckon they must sell that mask somewhere. or so i hope cos i hadnt seen even that "scream" one on sale before. but yea, i will bring V home, once i find it.

2006-04-16T02:02:00.000+08:00

we went to the zoo.

there were spastic pelicans,

demented elephants that ate rocks.

orang-utans with identity issues.

and overgrown kids.

but it's nice. and it's easter. =]

2006-04-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

remember this??
raw uh uh. =]

2006-04-13T00:38:00.000+08:00

.here comes the sun.

so hard to do, so easy to say, sometimes you just have to walk away

it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turn them into yesterdays.

so many people to loving my life, but why do i worry about one.
but you put the happy, in my ness.

we walk in the same direction, so that we could never stray...

i think the song has replayed itself 30 times over, and yet i havent gotten enough of it. i'm feeling rather nostalgic tonight. and quite blue.

alot of things have taken place in the past half a year or so. there are certain images i cannot diminish, not that i refuse to but i'm simply incapable of burying em'. they seem to work on individual entities and resurge themselves quite frequently. and in my musings i divulge them, taxing myself and every working cell in me, to death.

it makes you feel like half a person when you track back your old archives. but then it fills you up almost immediately, knowing that you've gone a decent metamorphosis and can now hold yourself to look at your own reflection in the mirror. fer all the past that have been said and done, it's all finally over, and now i can only make it better.

i reckon i've been wearing myself out. being away ironically takes me closer to the people at home. it's contradictory i know, but i've never actually taken time to evaluate each person's personality, their capacity to love me and how much i love them. i start to examine our gradual changes, and at which point did i endeavour the most. just how we've all grown up together, only occasionally drawing out our weapons of being professional rebels and rascals.

i let things affect me too much. the minor issues and major drawbacks. and i allow insolent intrusion to make me feel inadequate. yet i hate feeling all that.

i miss how it smells damp and moist when it rains. and i miss the crickets chewing up the silence. i miss a cup of dry cappuccino, drawing my knees up to my body and engaging in reverie. the random doodling, the spontaneous acitivities, the desperate card games and word fights. and how we all soak up the love we have fer each other.

i've made a full load of stupid repetitive mistakes but that's about as far as i would and could go.

-why did you only come by so late in my life?

-i was there all these while, you just didnt
look hard enough...

i will deal, face to face with all the possible hiccups.

i've led a semi-charmed life. and there are no complaints.
fer a life this blessed. it could only get better from here.

and you will only be proud of me, in my time to come.

2006-04-12T20:25:00.000+08:00

.AL JEAN.

yet another life changing package.

thanks dearies, i love it v.much.
just like my love fer the both of you. =]

[p.s. everytime the simpsons is on, it closes up with the name of the producer, which is so coincidentally Al Jean. harhar - on a totally irrelevant note.]

2006-04-11T02:12:00.000+08:00

.dis-integrate.

i'm just about to go crazy over the stress level i'm facing. everytime i lay them out i just get v. v. frustrated, at nothing in particular. i dont even know which to begin with, piles of em', many.
so each time, something screws up, i have to sit myself down literally, and try to piece my thoughts and frustrations together. take a deep breath and start systematically, all over again. when it still doesnt make sense, fuck it man. theoretically that's what i resort to doing. i dont how to work around it. more than often i just get so irritated without being able to figure out what exactly went wrong. fer the first time, i have a great affectionate relationship, but all else will soon start to crumble and tumble, if i give some allowance.

the key is to dis-integrate, sketch and paint. it might not be the right one to unlock your entry. but at least you've tried. and thus vented out most of the crap boiling inside.

i need to be trouble free. all of it's keeping my pace back on schoolwork. i need to get priorities right, yet so much of it needs to be put first in hand. attempting one seems to mean the other's procrastinated. so where do i start? and when i do, where do i go from here?

i need to be serenaded. sing to me, please.

2006-04-10T00:19:00.000+08:00

.fly away.

that one thing that is your everything.

Je suis le vôtre, complètement.

go, and catch a falling star,
get with child a mandrake root,
tell me, where all past years are,
or who cleft the Devil's foot,
teach me to hear mermaids singing,
or to keep off envy's stinging,
and find, what wind,
serves to advance an honest mind.

If thou be'es born to strange sights,
things invisible to see,
ride ten thousand days and nights,
tile age snow white hairs on thee,
thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me
all strange wonders that befell thee,
and swear
nowhere
lives a woman true, and fair

if thou find'st one, let me know,
such a pilgrimage were sweet,
yet do not, i would not go,
thou at next door we might meet,
thou she were true when you met her,
and last, till you write your letter,
yet she
will be
false, ere i come, to two, to three.

sunday. despite the fact that i've spent the whole of it at home; the hiccups refuse to leave me be. but what matters is that it's been resolved. and after healing the battle wounds, it's an unspoken rule that you just dont talk about it anymore. keep loving.

2006-04-09T02:18:00.000+08:00

.a place to call home.

i woke up this mornin', missing the smell of the drizzle back home.
you know how it smells like after a pour...
that moist fresh-beginning scent.
i miss it. v. much.
it's just not the same over here.

i was sifting thru friends' profiles.
and caught sight of Kern's pics, his friend chomping on Old Chang Kee fishballs.
"Old Chang Kee fishballs Old Chang Kee fishballs..." -chants-
wa lau~

i've moved, officially.
been busy shifting, and the house isnt really ready yet.
i'd prolly take shots during the housewarming party.
afterwhich you can check out my new crib.
til then, i'll still be shuffling between my ridiculous amount of assignments all due on the same blardee day and getting my settling-fer-home schedule sorted out.

i guess i could never truly call SV home when i was there fer the past 2 months.
thus, i was quite detached from the people and things.
i never really made effort to hook things/ people up because i had my mind set right from the start.
that i would soon move. SV is not home. and will never be.
which makes moving sucha feat and so satisfying now.
i've finally found my place. it might take quite a bit off me, and i may have lost my mind fer a while.
but it feels great and just very comforting.
when it's all done. the contentment manages to surpass all the tension fer the past few weeks.
it's that nice, round, concluded emotion that rises up in you. =]

i drove out today without supervision and lost my way.
resulted in a really pissed off boyfriend. coming around to pick me up.
myself sinking into the seat with guilt.
and exercising the gf powers to redeem myself.
heh.

k folks. i'm fuggin' tired. barting out.
cheers*

2006-04-08T01:18:00.000+08:00

.my last nite.

the very last nite in student village.

i'm packing up, ready fer tomorrow's big move-out.

after a long one at transporting today, closing up by driving around carpark and perfecting the head-in.

i'm pretty much done, another bag of clothes and books.

goodbye SV.

but i'll still be back. fer breaktimes and tavern nites.
brace yourselves. =]

2006-04-08T00:45:00.000+08:00

.the world with us in it.

that's edrea and estella, elroy's lil sistas.

i'd like to think el and i have survived almost 8 months together.
the first 3 months in 05' were pretty crap i have to say, afterwhich we sorta separated due to the distance and my fickle uncertainties.
and now's it's April 06', yet it feels like a fresh relationship we've both savoured.
like soaking your feet in a bucket of warm milk. interesting yet all so nourishing.
our bickers generally just fade itselves away, we come around, invade each other's spaces and let warmth remind us how much we want and need each other.

there's always that bit of miscomm, which we both gradually take time to buff, usually because i take his words too harshly, he saying/doing genuinely annoying things without much thought or me just messing around with myself.
after my several experiences with another unfaithful's infidelities, it's almost miraculous how i manage to work around it and trust him completely. but what truly keeps us tight, is that immense affection and intense desire that's undying and so very satiable.

of cos' comes along the times when i dont think right, or that i dont think at all. contrary to common belief [heh], el doesnt give in to my nonsensical/pushy garbage, he tells me off and sand down flaws. i must say, not getting things go my way isnt all that pleasant, but i take it cos' i know it makes me a better person and a more sensitive one at that. it wouldnt be too late would it? =]

there's an unimaginable amount things we learn to do together, and about being together. the inevitable sacrifices of individualism. the choice is always in our hands, but i never doubted em'.
starting up is tuff, very. but our attachment kinda tranquilizes the irritation and makes all better.

i guess after all that work on settling down, i'm pretty darn exhausted. but i've done well, and i wouldnt have made it, if not fer a partner to walk hand in hand with.

to stick by you even if it all falls apart.

2006-04-07T02:46:00.000+08:00

baby-poo-smelling-goof.

i reckon some gurl [pink plates] watched Dead Poetsand loved it as much as i did.
i dont know if i should diss the pink, or allow her to redeem herself over the phrase.

2006-04-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

it was costume nite at the tavern.

look at em'.
almost every thursday nite, they head out and get em'selves pissed drunk,
return and puke in the house. =]

2006-04-07T02:25:00.000+08:00

.blossom.

the meaning of things lies not in things themselves, but in our attitudes to them.

2006-04-07T02:18:00.000+08:00

the new cube.

that's the new place we'd be moving into on sat.

and separated by a garage, the one next door is el's. =]

2006-04-05T22:47:00.000+08:00

i honestly havent been so tired, so stressed up in a really long time...
in this aspect of cos.

sigh~
knock me out.

2006-04-04T23:12:00.000+08:00

.AL, AL SEE!.

i just had to do this.

many of you wont know, how alvin has these 2 pillows at the back of his car.
each we head out fer a ride, he'd throw me a pillow to make sure i'm comfy.

the cover's of silk, with the famous chinese poem on it.
exactly like this one, that they've made fer an erotic costume possibly fer some whipping role play sold on display of CLUB X [the kinky things shop]
heh.

cool bananas aye?! =]

2006-04-04T23:08:00.000+08:00

.your kid and you.

I disapprove with what you say, but I defend to death your right to say it.

Just hooked off my conversation with dad, mom and Jo.
Thinking, it’s funny how people don’t miss home.
Funnier how they say “you’d get over it.”
My point is that, I don’t ever want to get over it.
And I probably never will.

Believers say that there is always this certain emptiness in one’s heart,
An emptiness that cannot be filled by any other source. Only an immortal power can satiate you. And that the relationship will surpass beauty, and you shall be sufficient.

I beg to differ.

I’ve never really felt a void or that said emptiness, until I lose something dear.
And whatever it may be that is/was lost, will always be completed with something else.
Tangible or not.
Love comes to me in many directions. Maybe it doesn’t from above.
But I don’t feel any lesser than those who believe in it.
And I don’t reckon that that power can make me better or any more contented.

I know I can be very fickle. I’ve never been that homely gurl that a mother yearns fer.
I’ve always been very distant. I’ve tried to a certain point, to open my arms and embrace and possibility fer blooded affection, but I gave up shortly.
And took my own way out.
Jo says I’ve always gotten what I wanted. Maybe I did. In the most unappreciated and unorthodox manner. My objective was always only to satisfy my needs and wants.
And I held no regards fer family promises. It wasn’t because they favoured me more.
Neither was it because I fought hard enuff fer it. The distinct reason, was that there was simply no ‘otherwise’. Behind my stoic appearance, I was always ready to go all out, to give up on ties.
It was all fer the sake of fear. I incessantly and silently threatened them with that, and just deluded myself that it was they faith that they had in me. But they technically, they didn’t give up and fearfully fer themselves, believe in me.

Everytime I call home, I feel that pinch of distance. Maybe I should be ashamed of myself, fer being stuffed. Fer the disability to be detached from my familiar grounds.
fer realizing only now, the kind of love we have. I shouldn’t hope fer my family to be that certain way I want them to be, I should understand by now, that at the end of my way, it works.
Maybe I should be proud, to say that I’ve recognized my responsibilities and unlike some, I have a home that I desire to return to.

Dad sounded really tired and pretty upset with work. I don’t know what I can do to make him feel any better now, but I know what I can do in my 3 years here and thereafter. It was nice to hear Jo’s excitable voice, yapping on about Bret. And feel Mom’s satiated voice just to hear from me…

Dad told me to get a ticket home mid-year. It is up to me, to stick to my guts and head out to do what was planned. Or to head home, and just snuggle up dependantly.
Fer once, I think I’d stick to something. And not be fickle about it.

I’ve got more things done in 2 months than I ever did.
I hope I’m right, I’ve grown.

2006-04-04T22:39:00.000+08:00

.tuesday.

carly's burfday.

i'm not quite sure if i've ever seen so many gurls in my life.
all fer another gurl . heh.

the vet science students.

fr left. renee. monique, carly and fran.

dinner in freo.

housemates.

and a yummy bf. =]

2006-04-03T01:22:00.000+08:00

.dear diary.

well the days were quite packed. which is a good thing, cos it substantiates what i keep telling people. you just gotta know where to go and what to do, basically what's up; and it all makes living in WA much better, and less mundane. yes! believe it!

friday, el and i went down to V.park to hunt fer cars. left with a fruit in mind, so it's all good. thereafter we headed down to harbourtown fer some shopping, which of cos meant that i reaped nothing, cos most of the time, i was trying to tame my hyperactive boy. i dont know how i actually manage it, the patience required when i'm with el is un-imaginable.

saturday, the guys went off fer the beer festival thingy, it was pretty much an interesting beer tasting frenzy, but we did go home with quite abit of goodies there. i made friends with this australian couple manning the sausage "stall", he wore an apron with huge 3D titties, so i couldnt keep my eyes off him. =]

men and ermh... sausages.

stocking up with assorted beers. someone is happy.

oh yea~ martin won this cool vintage beer lamp at the lucky draw. me thinks it's wicked.

the nite after was spent at Jay's enormous land, watching corny hongkong movies, drinking and letting the chill pills work its magic. amidst all that, jp called with her mega birthday party, and i got to speak to everyone and feel all fuzzy inside, crappy at the same time cos i'm still at ths seizure stage refusing to believe that i wasnt/ wont be there physically, fer such a big event fer my gurl or any one else i love in the near future. in any case, the homely touch fills me up. =]

sunday, drove off to bunbury, which got my bum pretty sore cos it's a 4 hour ride to and fro, but it was nice, diving into the suburbs and having a feel of the country. watch the horses and cows graze the meadows, makes you feel like jumpin right in and soaking up the sun. shooting the shadows of life and loving it. well, the purpose of cruising in bunbury was to pick up martin's new ride.
at the venue, we met STORM. [funny how her name is storm, reminds me of my grump back home and how you guys always make fun of him. heh.]

but Storm is the bomb of the day man. i had just wanted to bring her home, right there.

notice how her beeline eyes makes her so blardee adorable? =] she's TUFF man, solid muscles, i almost toppled over when she jumped on me. the sweetest bull terrier ever, at least, she overthrows all the legends i've heard, about her breed pulling off ppl's arms and facial features. least, i didnt stay long enuff to experience any of her possible violent frenzies.

she has this weird habit, or fetish rather. of stalking plants. as in, she goes into this trance-like stage when she's placed near bushes and stuff. so she walks stiffly along the bushes like they're whispering to her. daymmit, she's just awfully adorable.

i want a pure breed bull terrier that stalks plants too! i want it NOW!!

well~ ok. after picking up the new baby, we went fer korean bbq and decent bubble tea.

so now lies ahead the plans fer tomorrow. gotta go downpayment the car, get some furnitures fer the new place, driving lesson and possibly snooker with my irish driving instructor. hmmm.
busy aye?

it's late. nite folks. =]

2006-04-01T01:20:00.000+08:00

.baby antics.

that's really why they say boys will be boys.

random nite. el decided [out of the blue], to put on his helmet and gloves in the car. so ya, he drove, in the car, fer a good half an hour? with his full gear on, and caught up with other vehicles in the middle of the night, hoping to catch some attention and thereafter, some awkward reaction. i think most of em' took a look, and quickly swerve as far away as possible. what's new? looney asians. i could only slouch on the seat helplessly, and hear my boy chuckle like baby behind the huge neon head.

if you'd debate, yea, some indian couple did give us the thumbs up when they swifted past us. hmmm..

elroy yeap [shakes head in dismay], what am i gonna do with him?

2006-03-31T23:07:00.000+08:00

.mmmm.

day fer school and nite fer clubs.

and, some love. =]

last nite was the all asian party at some club [ i didnt manage to catch the name but ya, whatever], it was supposed to be an all singaporean thingy, where singaporeans in all fours universities in western australia come together, but~ there were an abundance of malaysians and whatnots. so yea, let's just make it general - asians. an entire club full of em'!!!

we overuled the whites this time. heh.

it does kinda feel like clubbing in singapore. harhar. especially when the layout looks awfully similar to MOS's. mmmm.

and guess who did i bump to in this very foreign country... AMMRITA!! yesh yesh, the one from TP Law too!
yea! kewl right, at least i think it is, coming all the way down under and bumping into your poly mate whom you made to attempts to catch up with whatsoever. but yea, feels good. i'll call her, fer sure. =]

mm mm. laters people.

2006-03-31T04:14:00.000+08:00

.mis-used. no one else.

the only person i can truly give my entire life to, is myself.

you were a fool to think it could have been.
there is no fault to pick, no one to blame.
you are not strong,
just jaded, almost completely withered.
to a point where nothing can break your heart any further than it had been.
so how it is extraordinary?

2006-03-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

boo ya!

me got package!
i didnt exactly went thru the whole thrill like the last time, cos this piece was couriered to el's place instead, so i just had to make do, being excited over the fone when i was told i've got a pack! yay anws. =]

month late 21st bday pressie, from jo.
it's worth the wait...
i must admit i had a tinkling suspicion of what it was. and i was spot on!!
look- 21st bday, what more appropriate as a gift, than what jo and i share a craze over?
WATCHES!

just like daddy. =]

it's a white blingy!!! a fantastic break from the norm of our collections.
ooooohhhh all the glam. heh

voila~

me likes. [it actually looks like the chanel one that i was whining to daddy about. but hey~ make do first. chanel is mine, later~ or so i hope]

thanks jo. many many. muharharhahr. -tosses head back, smirks and trods around cuddling blingy, my precious~~~-

2006-03-29T00:16:00.000+08:00

.rrraaaaaahhhhhh!.

i was just blog hopping and reading the random thoughts of others.
it can be quite interesting sometimes.
but dont attempt to be at it fer too long. cos by then it'd be hard to keep your differences apart.

i was just studying outside the flat earlier this evening, hoping to break away from my walls.
i just cant seem to focus in my room, it's like the internet and my bed [esp] are constantly calling out for me.
i know it's quite sad, not being able to study under comfy and 'supposedly' conducive personal space. but hey~ cut me some slack would'ya.
anw, ya, so an hour into my 'reading aloud' and note-jotting, joram came around and sat himself down across the table.
so tuff it is, to curb my urge of just asking him to fark off!! i am clearly sitting amidst my own crisis and i do not need some greasy loudmouth to make it any harder. but noooooooooo~
he failed to sense my awkward hostility and carried on bragging about his techniques in understanding materials, how easy it is.. [i reckon the only thing he knows is how to put on more calories] then he proceeded to draw out an entire crapmap of irrelevant entities of my text and desperate measures. i was going to de-lard him ,otherwise, i'd put myself out of misery.

joram is fuggross. i think el has seen enuff of my disgusted twitches whenever i go into a major whining session about how icky he is:

well, he's fat [and the fact that he makes no attempt to correct his diet makes him even gross-er, fer a single meal, he finishes an entire bag of pasta and bottle of sauce.]
inconsiderate. he blasts his music in the middle of the nite while everyone is sleeping, loud i-just-got-kicked-in-the-nuts-laffter as he watches lame malaysian drama. strums and sings moulin rouge 3am in the blardee mornin'.
he desperately tries to impress you with big words that are usually incorrectly used, like: "i have no more food left, quite sadistic right?" [huh?! wtf?]
joram's point-in-point, [i hate this in men, hate it!], they tell you something, yet they were hoping you caught the other meaning of it, usually, an implication that'd boost their ego/ miniscule esteem, and joram is so not discreet about it: "ow ow, my whole body hurts, [then he waits fer you to ask him why], cos i went to the gym... " i just say "Man~ you really dont look like you exercise at all." nooooooooo, joram doesnt get it. he does the "i'm very broke, ALL my capital is stuck in malaysia, those can last me fer years..."
he attention seeks, he constantly yelps and does these lil actions so that you'd take notice of him, like he'd ask his female friend to come around and collect something, while she's here, he parades with her infront of you, waiting fer you to ask if she's his gf.
!!! he wakes up in the afternoon and goes into the kitchen to hunt fer food and talks to you with drooly bad breath.
!!!!! he walks around, wrapped only in his yellow towel after a bath.
he's oily and he stinks of sweat and moist. literally.
he burps out loud in your face.
he doesnt clean my utensils properly after use.
he is always asking why dont i cook fer him too. [why?! you have to ask why?! cos you're a fucken pig that's why!]
empty vessel. he comes to my room in the middle of the nite, talks nonsense and enjoys himself being the smart aleck that he is, in conducting a completely retarded one-way conversation.

arrrrrgggggghhhhhh~ i could go on the whole daym nite. but no~ i feel better after 12.. i will not go on. will not go on... will not go on... just one more week. endure. endure. endure~

i want mummy.

2006-03-28T05:56:00.000+08:00

it's 5.55am. i give up.

-displays flag of truce and proceeds to faint.-

2006-03-28T04:45:00.000+08:00

i think i'm better off dead. it's 4.45am. i'm still up. drawing mindmaps of the presentation due on thurs. class starts in 4 hours time. tell me. how am i gonna survive?

2006-03-28T01:04:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 21st MAN !!!

which is worst? that i had to wish you thru the cell while you were asleep in bunk? or that i am physically not there at all?

it's all yours darlin~ have a smashing party.

v.much loved and missed,
jessie =]

2006-03-28T00:08:00.000+08:00

driving today was funny fun...
i was cruising at 100 on the 70k speed limit and retaliating the old fart simultaneously.
hmmm. =]

2006-03-27T03:51:00.000+08:00

.carpe diem.

a life worth living.

he was asleep. i wasnt.

el tends to fall asleep unknowingly, after which when he gets up, he'd claim that he wasnt fully out. but i am sure he was. with his heavy breathing, ocassional teeth grinding and random jerks. how could one be remotely conscious? but he sleeps like baby, once in a while he'd make lil gurgling noises. even when you tug him a lil', tuck in the duvet, ruffle his hair, or trace the features on his face, he'd just be sleeping, and holding you so tight like he'd never let you go.

when he gets up, you'd remember the look in his red tiresome eyes, and feel blessed knowing that he'd go so far, do so much, set everything else aside, just so he could be with you.

5 months [or more.] doesnt feel like it at all.
my high school friend. my tution groupmate. my boyfriend. my next-door-neighbour. how swift.

i love reminiscing.

2006-03-27T03:31:00.000+08:00

it's 3.20am . man~
i'm still tryna make sense outta the chapter i've been hoggin on fer the past 2 hours.
this is shite. i cant seem to focus.

and i still wavering. if i should head to bed, considering i should be all fresh fer driving tomorrow.
or i should continue trying to decipher the ultra-duper dry passages on the page.
this is what uni life does to you. i should think the flat 10 crew are still up, they too have due-ies. cept that theirs' due in a few hours, mine's on thursday. eew.

so i reckon i should come on out and say something. or jsut find an excuse to make myself feel better. i just loaded up the pics from my mobile.

this was what happened on TOON nite in the tavern. white boys getting in touch with their feminine side. =]

i like to snap peeks of el when he's fueling up. i dont really know why, but there's this semi-stern-dooo-doop-doop expression he's got when he's on it. so there.

at the movies. awaiting.

evil laffter bud; muaharharharhareeeeehehehee...

while shopping fer furniture, i noticed the fountain section, and there was this small little chinese sprinkler that had its words hayed. i'm pretty sure in "shui-he-ping" the "he" isnt written like that. or issit? you reckon?

my eye's swollen again [like it's not small enuff, a negative significance now]. and it's giving me a headache.
so what am i doing on blogspot?

blarpeefooooteh.

2006-03-25T03:37:00.000+08:00

.your certainty is like an armour.

autumn:
autumn settled in abruptly, it's getting a little too chilly fer comfort.
especially in the nites, it's almost like your feet's gonna break off from your legs.

studio:
well, fer a note, the studio desktest is finally over.
so much fer the hours spent practicing, sings itself to an end after gg on air fer a mere 30 min.
but at least it's over. and i reckon i didnt doo too bad. =]
or at least i hope i didnt.

car hunt:
the car search isnt going to well, most of em' are pretty dodgey.
it's not me i swear, but i cant seem to find one that tickles my fancy.
i'm getting a tad bit impatient. it's brewing.
and there's driving tomorrow. [...]

assignments [and insecurities]:
assignments are due very soon, i havent gotten into enuff studying yet. it makes my situation seem rather icky, i cant seem to get anything done at ease, knowing that my assignments are not completed. and when they are, i feel icky too [!], cos i always feel that whatever i have done must be perfect-ed. it's just... icky larr.

movies:
el and i just went fer our 4th movie [tristan and isolde which was pretty good, just a little too titanic and romeo and juliet.. but the battle scenes redeemed itself from the romantic disorders.], i refuse to go into details how movies are so ridiculously over-priced here [pui*], and they dont even check you in on the tickets, cos there are generally no ushers at door. so yea, if you're a cheapo delinquent, you could just freeload. uh huh. anw, Zathura just got released over here, i suppose that's just self explanatory, by the time i get the trailers, you prolly would have watched it in the cinema 5 times over.

i'm a video ezy membet! -- how cool is that [not!]. i went off to rent a dvd conveniently yesterday after super-marketing, so as i waited fer el to come pick me up, the trolley was parked right outside video ezy and so i dropped in and coincidentally, my weird subj-mate was cashier-ing, that made things v. easy - i gave the movie name, he grabbed it and checked me in. there you go. Dead Poets Society, long awaited. an old film prolly more than 12 years back but completely astounding. go watch it.

fonecalls:
clara called me yesterday, and i think we were on fer about an hour or so. [coming around here means a brand new start. i embrace the thought of having left everything tainted and yucky behind, not giving a care about it. and know that what will happened from now will never be mistakes that i have made once before. it seems like i'm just running away from things, but fer long i have tried to work the flaws out and even to just shrug it off, i fear that i might have to admit that i have only seen how tuff it is. but now greater the fear of fear, i will not have to sit thru that same tension i did months ago. and that itself feels good.] anw, back to point, starting afresh means you only have friends that you can tick off on one hand, which literally means that your fone doesnt ring much, if at all, so a trusty call once in a while works magic. =] [hint]

i called mummy, another hour call - it's funny i dont think i have spoken to her fer that long in a single month in my life, ever. but calls to home these days rack up my bills, there are endless topics to sift thru'. dad, the puppy, jo [and her gg ons], grandma, recipes, mom herself, el [she has a thing fer him. mm?],work, chores, school, weather, housemates, settling, car, new home and the cigarettes boxes and lighters she found while cleaning my room. [harhar] i think of all of us at home, mom grew up the most. heh. or at least, she made the most changes in herself thru time. it's almost like she got sucked thru a vacuum at some point and was brainwashed. she's a mother afterall, and prolly does go by the 101 mothers' handbook. but hey~ we're growing up, and she finally sees it. and such relationship, the wisdom in the bond, i remind myself everyday, the roots of my being.

the people:

i'm sorry.. did i break your concentration? that's andrew. v. v.queer man. nuff' said.

rather, they'd like to be known as the flat 10 crew. then again, they dont live in my flat.
most of em' are bummers who got evicted last sem. so they come around fer some lurvin, beer and smokes to chill in the courtyard.

what happened:
it was joe's [el's friend's friend] 21st.
el was summoned to play. i was summoned to go. end of story.

the bday boy [in pink] and his lil bro.

the big boy noise

the lil' gurls voice.

the chopstick gurls [big boy toys?]...

and a whole new world...

heh. nite world. i gotta follow up some work.

2006-03-24T14:14:00.000+08:00

hello autumn =]

2006-03-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

we only look good in the car. bleah.

2006-03-23T00:45:00.000+08:00

people change darlin'.

scratch beneath the surface and you will see.

2006-03-22T02:20:00.000+08:00

. clara .

fer all that we are. have been and will be. thanks love. =]

it was a bad bad idea switchin on my good ol' nokia. the home fone. thereafter re-living many of those days back then. considering i got the fone when i was still with thierry mugler, most of the peetures and videos featured clara, her silly antics at work and while we hang out. of her jamming at my place, doing her dorky expressions and semi-retarded spasms. i laff with it, and i cry too. [all the silly fun and serious talks, the open chillings and mind settlin' moments]

clara came along very much later in my years. 3 years in the same poly, yet we've never took notice of each other.. her being so big and me, being so small [multiple pun intended]. but things might have taken a different turn, had we cross paths earlier in time. it's a small lil Singapore, but it was something great, joining such a degrading company yet settle on so much self-growth.
within that 8 months, we've seen much change, or rather, an entire metamorphosis within ourselves.

we randomly got pissed off at each other; she at my fickle-ness but usually just me, getting rather irked by her in-sensitivity sometimes... afterwhich she'd figure out and do her "sorry larr babe" thingy with me and it 's all cool. who could get pissed with a gurl endorsed with significant tweety features?

but she's a gem. a truly rare one at that. she's critical [she assures me that it is perfectly fine to hate fugly gurls], which is a plus point. forgiving and very patient with my outbursts. she's a evergreen clubbing kaki [a yesyes, i'll be there] and is partypillar that moulds me into society. the greatest thing about her, is that she's just so individualistic, she laffs out loud and does her thang wherever and whenever she wants. which obviously make her pretty obnoxious sometimes, but that's adoring, if you let her personality grow into you, you start to admire how one can understand what it is to live life and by it. sometimes, she lets complexities get her down, but really it just takes a little tug, and she'd make rapid sense out of the nonsense and quickly moves on. but she's never afriad to cry and to watch me cry.

we hung out alot, so much, she came fer slumber party 3 days in a row and couldnt be bothered to go home. we did the dirty acts together, sung til we went hoarse. i watch her strum badly, and listen to her talk to my dog. watch her do her dirty dance and sniff her toes in the crowd. i soak it up when she pushes ugly men away and tilt her head in favour of a cute one. we make friends with indian bosses at the prata shop to get discounts [v. cheapo.] but heck, it's good long term; and we spent wee hours awake together, either suppering, jamming, clubbing or just mobbing around doing nothing. she watches me fall [literally] and pokes fun and laffs at me.

i tolerate her "babe, what if i become so fat? do i look fat?? do i look like indian??? malay?? how is my hair?" and her incessant ability to straighten her hair when it is curled and curl it when it's straight. her overspent-time in the toilet adjusting her bust like it is a separate entity. and being overly open with her assets. how she spends hours waiting fer her hair to dry while she talks ceaselessly and smears body butter all over herself. and how she leaves her stuff lying around which equates to a v. messy room. big hearted i am. i tolerate all of that. harhar.

maybe after all that, i do not know, still. what is that one thing that draws me to her alluring friendship. knowing that whatever it is that goes wrong, i could tell her and at that instant she'd understand and tell me "babe, i know, it'll be ok larr." and it will be.

babe. i miss you. v.v. much =]

2006-03-21T18:00:00.000+08:00

what's wrong??

i've officially spent 2 days at home, ceaselessly reminding myself that next week will be my deathdate. i have too many assignments due and endless presentations to make. yet i've had 48 hours being completely un-productive [?!!] my reports cant seem to be perfected and nothing seems to make sense from the text.

-does the study chant-

studio desktest is in 3 days time [(*$^*&#%(*, get the idea in your head!], and i've just accumulated enuff lazy bugs to not go do some practise.

i am going to pull all my hair out. dont stop me.

2006-03-20T21:06:00.000+08:00

check it out!

i pulled the website out of mx's blog.
it's some programme that screws around your features, and fools with your feelings.

my boy's facial features are a combination of chulalongkorn, kim II jung, bruce lee, leon lai, sammi cheng before plastic surgery and angelina jolie's pout, [how cute]. [!!]
it's hilarious. [?!] no? at least i think so.

2006-03-20T14:51:00.000+08:00

i got a package... i got a package... i got a package.... [dances looney around in the room]

MOHAN! thanks man. it's a reallly sweeet notion. =]
and it means the world!

you have not a single idea how it is, to sit thru weeks in your room watching ppl receive packages every single goddamn day. it really makes you wonder if ppl love you lesser now that you are not around. very blardee self-conscious.

2006-03-19T21:55:00.000+08:00

.life in a biscuit.

the only thing that's sexaye is the red ducati oakleys. =]

we displayed our narcissism upon every red light on the way to freo.

in a chomp, everything seems insufficient. we cant seem to get enuff of the munchin' but instead of being hungry fer something that might literally fill you up, we're constantly thirsty fer some quencher that we never had an eye fer.

i'm tempermental, i wake up each time, deciding instantly if i'm feelin enthusiastic fer the rest of the day, otherwise, i just allow it to get crummier and crummier. many mornings are spent literally dragging myself out of bed, from corner to corner, end to end, and while doing so, i just whine loudly like there is actually someone to banter to, it's a habit that is hard to kick, it's like how i read out my words out loud as i type, even if it is just another boring conversation i hold on msn. on some afternoons, el pulls me out [or not really], he pulls the blankets off first, i curse, then he attacks the pillows, i sit up, curse again. he has this ceaseless motivation to get me off the bed and mostly just irritate me til i lose my sleepy mind. following that, i get really frustrated as he shoos to me to hurry up and leave by that certain time limit he bestows. i have never really been fantastic with time management, not hoping that is gonna change. =]

ooh oh oh~ i actually forgot to mention, we nearly got into an accident on the freeway yesterday!! how cool is that? i truly found it bloodrushin'.heh. i'd like to think we've missed a major dislocation because my bf is a potential F1 [not] driver. [i say stuff to make him happy, so that he is reminded that his gf is not too bad, at least at times]

2006-03-19T03:00:00.001+08:00

missed. utterly.

2006-03-19T03:00:00.000+08:00

down south street.

2006-03-19T02:59:00.000+08:00

friday city nites.

2006-03-19T02:52:00.000+08:00

fear is sharp sighted. it sees things underground and much more in the skies.
but it remains that fear itself is more to be feared than most of the things the people usually fear, and that gives pause fer thought.

it weakens us. i discourage conformity.

2006-03-19T02:39:00.000+08:00

sorrow - the profoundest teachers of wisdom.

one frankness invites a reciprocal frankness, and draws forth discoveries, like wine and love.
such are frankness of the heart , which gives another access to one's self, and oneself access to another's self; without such mutualities, life would be worth little.

2006-03-19T01:46:00.000+08:00

. yours completely .

ikea. 18-03-06.

i honestly didnt expect to be loved like that.

in all sorts of relationships, people weep, usually because they have already lost you.
but i never knew one could cry that many a tear, fearing that he might never find you again.
even if it meant much much later...

"i love you" means i am yours completely. but how far can we stretch beyond that complete-ness? and feel complete fer having the whole of a person you adore?

we boths have sights on our future, and both refuse to settle fer a lifestyle that is any lesser than perfect. but why complicate the apparent? hold on tight to what we have in our warm lil' hands now and nothing else can beat that, or make it any less worthy.
meanwhile, i'd still love to shop fer your favourite ingredients, make you sumptuous dinner while you're on your way over, tuck you in when it's cold, and tickle your ears while you sleep... irritate you with all the lil' jessie perks until you fall over and pull truce. =]

until then darlin', i'll just take my cup of chamomile, slouch round the corner and wait fer new foresights to dawn upon me.

i love you, and there's no equation quite as simple as that.

2006-03-18T02:55:00.000+08:00

the need to do some pampered shopping is grieviously understated.

i retail-therapied today.

me = v. fucken high. =]

2006-03-17T03:33:00.000+08:00

when you break your own heart... and watch it shatter into a million pieces.

2006-03-15T16:24:00.000+08:00

.the worm in the core.

it's a blank page on which we are bound to point out dark spots.

more than often, i can't seem to comprehend why i do the things that i do. and how i manage to find joy within the challenges of being good-enuff.

i have to say, it is a path i've embarked on, which might [most prob] bring upon frowns and hard-ass cursing. but it is what i've chosen to do. and the more they discuss about it, the more enthusiastic i become. it is almost morbid.

taking up law, is not a fancy thing, it is a profession that the general public would love to spit on, journo is not any different, it prolly comes up second on the list. but it is the suspense, the potential range of unpredictable emotions and risks, the excitement and tension that comes along with the job that truly lures me, ceaselessly. whilst the rest of the world can engage in their dissing fer the next ten minutes or fer the rest of their lives, i would like to stand on a still and hold my gauge with pride.

there was this case quite some time ago, where this lady [Jones C] slept in bed with her baby child. soon after she fell asleep, she rolled over on her own 14 month old kid and suffocated him to death.
- well, TV news required my classmate [tiff] to go conduct a detailed interview with her since extra info was not available in the papers. so Tiff was due on the assignment, she had to go thru' the "yellow pages", and hit on the every JONES C she could find, each number she dialed and got thru, she asked "Hi, are you the lady on the West headlines today, i'm calling fer a short interview?" all who were on the other end, cursed her and gave her the hardest time possible. she must have done up almost 20 numbers and only the last number, just before she concluded defeat, got her to the family, but there was only a long silence, and then a "fuck you!" thereafter a dial tone. Tiff went home and had a good cry over it.

i cannot imagine how it is like, having to do such a thing, being compelled to stick a camera in a lady's [who had accidentally killed her own baby] face and ask her to tell us precisely, how it feels like now. yea, it is true we could just reject the assignment on a literal deathknock, but upon saying "no", you've just reformatted your entire career path. and i know it will soon be my turn.

what we do, or, will end up doing, will not merely be a mirror of what we are asked, required to exaggerate/ intrude, or so i hope. holding perspectives and manipulating the mass so that they'd think just like we want em' to. people are quick to criticise and human nature is generally negative. release what the people have the in the right to know. besides following the legal journo's code of ethics, i pray that we keep one of our own and not falter too much from it. it is hardly possible to exercise, so we can only hope to not draw too far away from it.

it becomes like a teething paranoia, you start to doubt and second guess your profession, wonder if you had written or submmitted a piece that in unethical or altogether inadmissable, but just like any other occupation, i guess at the climax and downrun of your time, you'd develop immunity and a certain form of pride and drive, that would keep you going and understand that you cannot stop.

reality check is incessant.

*disclaimer-

2006-03-15T00:25:00.000+08:00

.dry.

... when you tumble off a social merry-go-round, it is unlikely you'd hurt anything but your pride.

[sometimes, memories really consume you, it's like i'm truly askin' fer it, cos i keep falling back, each time i take a step forward, i might have taken 2 back. it feels like it's been forever, but it's honestly been just months since it all unfolded. it guts up like crap when you think about it, the stuff that you've done wrong/ incorrect, the stuff that you've wasted too much time on trying to believe that it would work. it drives you a lil' looney. and then all these "rightful" emotions resurges, shame and apologetic yet no where to dispose em' off. i guess that's when they say, it bites you back. but that is as far as you would admit it is. it is afterall a defense mechanism, how could you let it hurt you?

when do we say that IT IS TIME, is it too soon? it cannot be too late right? 21 is a premium yet fragile number, it's when you dont know where you're heading, if you're gonna stop or just follow that voice and move on ahead. memories haunt you, you troddle backwards and fumble to keep still.

i lost my step. 3 years later. will i still be hoping it'd be the same? or would it be safe at all? ]

2006-03-15T00:13:00.000+08:00

. luggish .

.evil pink. =]

i have this tendency of constantly asking myself/other ppl about the kind of person i am, seem to be or not.

it might~ be a sneaky insecurity, it could~ be just a identity confusion.

but i figured, instead of setting up a johari window and be skeptic about all the positive, motivating descriptives fer one to work on being a better person; i've come to terms with myself.
mostly with inner jessie who just wants to dig in the tub of ice cream, chomp on some cheese-y crinkled chips and laff with my mouthful at the simpsons.

D-OHH!

2006-03-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

.without intentions.

why do they so often try to save someone else's world when their own is falling apart?

2006-03-12T02:56:00.000+08:00

.build me up, butter cup baby.

it's one of those lazy late afternoons, busted due to the lack of kip,
you sit in the car, and let your eyes wander about on the streets.
and you catch a glimpse of rare beauty, hanging in the clearest midst of the blue blue skies.
it's like you're driving towards it.
and you're not too far along.

it's this emotion that fuzzes you up, much like contentment, or satisfaction, yet a little more than just that.
so you just sit there dazed, building comfort in that black leather seat, grinning to yourself in silence.
knowing that fer the rest of your life, you would want to be right there, that specific intangible spot and no where else.
next to this single person you've grown to love, hold and trust.
with arms wide open, he offers you your dreams, none of which is beyond that power of that mutual affection and ambitious level. you stroll towards the same direction of ideals and beliefs, that is it.
it's like the white-ness of weddings? the simplest yet most alluring, immaculate colour of connections.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - -- - - - - - -- -

digress-
my over-charged, mildly funky new hairstyle. arh~ release.
haircuts make jessie happy. always.

2006-03-12T02:14:00.000+08:00

"of 7 days, we drink 6 days a week."

most of the times, hanging out with the bunch comes around to me just laffing at their silly antics.

2006-03-10T03:24:00.000+08:00

.forever young.

so it comes down to many hours of practise in the studio.
the studios are open 24/7, and it really is pretty cool to head in fer a practise during the odd hours. it's almost like hosting a late night show, but really just talking to yourself with your favourite musique on air.

and heaps of assignments to complete. [haiyar~]

i'm moving out in april. [yay!] so with that, a lot of other responsibilities rising up.
[sigh~ all the moolas]

which explains in advance the lack of time to blog on a regular basis.

. i miss home. the other nite when jo got the pup to the fone [bret, yesh aka storm] and all i could hear was the sniffing around. it wrenches your insides like madness. i just hope things get better with dad at work. cos hope is pretty much all i have now.

it's really icky to be dependant on something which depends on you.

2006-03-07T02:43:00.000+08:00

i'd always think about what weiss used to say to me: "what you truly need is a guy who has a bearing over you."
it's odd but i think it's true, and here.

=]

2006-03-06T03:54:00.000+08:00

.just about the sweetest notion.

you have this way of making me feel whole/satisfied/loved/wanted/needed just being myself.
i dont need to lie to you nor do i need to put on a front. yet you love me.

2006-03-06T02:26:00.000+08:00

.the lust fer the rush.

well, the nites have been rather busy.

on thursday nite, instead of going fer the village bbq and then heading off the the tav.
there was an abrupt change of plans.
so i dumped off cliff, emil, joel and the rest of my housemates and swifted off to a somewhat tickling episode of amateur crabbing.
ooohhh ~ the no-regrets.

well, we started off at the jetty, all professional with rods, baits, nets and the waiting.
and caught nothing. really, unless you consider the lil mini fishes as a reap.

oh well, we could always start off with an unnerving pelican picture in the nite.

martin and el. with martin obviously tryin to be funny.

ping, shaun and andrew from left [heated argument on how malaysia sucks]. but really my focus was on the bird crap on the ground.

martin, making a point about fishing i think.

ping, mimicking the taiwanese idols. heh.

and awww~ the lurvin.

in memorance, the blowfish's chapter of life ended sadly with an abrupt fling. nah, you wouldn't understand. it's too graphic and too evil fer an innocent mind. all i can say is tt we will all burn in hell.

it was when we were gonna head off with all the disappointment til we met mating crabs [!!] in the dark waters. and shaun [who's really really dumb funny, esp when he speaks, me likes] thrusted a really fantastic throw and yes we broke up the sex.

the king of crabwhores.

goofing with disrespect of their impending death.

but everyone got really pumped, and headed off to the shallow waters to scoop fer crabs instead.

shaun IS the all-hail king. truly. we caught a load of crabs. like a goddamnit 34, and more than half of it credits to shaun [who didnt want to leave even after spotting a shark which was really a dolphin, and hours of wading with dying torches and shrieking boys.]

we like em' fresh. =]

the beanie chef, really jsut trying to say sweeeet, italian style.

and so we ate. a quarter the load. and humped home 5 am in the morning.

oh yea, we got pulled over by cops fer speeding. [!] i found it morbidly interesting. arh~ the psychotic pleasures.

good nite ppl. me love you too.

2006-03-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

. thursday .

lecture was terribly boring today,
i dont really know if it's because i'm too tired myself, or was it borin' me out of my wits.
so i sketched thru the 45 mins speech. and came home with wrecked notes,
deep bold sketches splashed over words.
and i missed my tutorial, cos i was just not up fer it.

it's a nice day. weather's sweet but i'm feelin too nauseous to savour it.
it was my intention to go away and take some shots today,
otherwise soak up the sun on the grassy plains and do some painting.
went off to buy some paints and canvas, but they dont have decent ones on the rack.
plans put off.
so i'm gonna head off to bed to nurse my unwell system,
and hopefully be well enuff fer something brighter in the night.

2006-03-02T12:04:00.000+08:00

.the morning sun.

.sometimes ppl forget the delicate.
Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of meI kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

i got at 8 this mornin', after the episode last nite, i figured i must stop sleeping things away.
so that all clocked a 4-hour slumber.
mentally drained and physically exhausted.
but like always, i push myself to walk on, and learn to deal with things on my own.
more importantly, forget all the hurt.

so the morning was spent taking myself out fer a breather, to get things done and my thoughts elsewhere, mostly, invest in something more constructive.
so i went down to kardinya, and bought stuff that could last myself fer the next week or so.
a short stroll and basically just to get myself together.

---

immaculation is a desire, but certainly a disappointment as well.
sometimes it makes you wonder if you are truly delusional.
but like lu said: disappointment is only the difference between expectation and reality.
that's an equation, really simple. but awfully tuff to master.

it gets really crummy at times, being cooped up in the room, and just desperately typing out the shite that had gotten you down minutes before.
and move out, drag a stick in the yard and just be hopeful fer the next second.
last nite i ran out of cigarettes and reckoned i could do without it fer a bit.
well i was wrong, at least my soul needed it, needed it to breathe. i've always thought of fagging as a respiratory exercise esp when you need to get your guts together, except when you do that, all the toxics get exchanged.
it's just a sort of compulsory breathing/ inhaling, and that sorts out yours thoughts like a digestive pill. but ya, that aside.
i ended up asking fer cigarettes from daniel, and took the rest of the pack out fer a walk thru the nite.

2006-03-01T20:31:00.000+08:00

.the way it is.

my second tutorial came along today, media law and ethics.
yesterday, we were pretty much fooling around in the radio broadcast centre. neat stuff.
aarom's my tutor, young dude with a buster style [torn 3 quarts, painted tee and haivaianas] with unkempt dreadlocks and quirky specs. honestly, it's too early to tell if he's any good tho' but the situation seems rather promising.
i guess it is how interactive tutorials are over here, that makes it really captivating.
students are constantly contributing [nonsensical debates or not], which makes us asians feel rather inadequate not having a spontaneous-enuff [considering i am already pretty daym outspoken] nature. but conversations are exchanged and discussions are bobbing around all the time. the modules take a very open course, and each student seems as if he/she is completely ready to jump out of their skins and leap into a bloodthirsty mode fer writing.

it was a tad bit weird after being so detached from studyin fer a while, to pick up pen and literally take notes from all the listening and work on essays.
there is a really different way asians work on note taking, or maybe it's just me, cos [after much nosey peepin'] i realize auzzies generally take notes word fer word. and mine's blobs of mindmaps and shorthand. [i guess it's how we learn it in law and mgnt, i take more time listening and digesting what was said, works better fer me that way].
tutors take time to converse and go beyond that, not just merely answering your questions with that i'm-always-right tone. over here, you learn how to stand on the pedestal and take pride in your words and not doubt yourself too much.
it is lovely to be chucked into a room full of student and tutors, utterly passionate about writing.
then again, of cos with everyone being on par or even better, you cant help falling into this void, wondering if you'd measure up in the next assignment, but i've held pride in myself so far.
thus i refuse to fall behind, and let confidence lead the way.
media law isnt all that tuff, at least not yet, cos gg thru the legal structure and operations are easy fer me, done em' before and can quite apparently hold myself pretty strong in class, so that's all kewl.
but gg back to school, feels really really good.
Learning, feels even better.

i can do it, in the best manner, even if it meant alone.

well, i met a fellow mate, singaporean, who lives in the flat above mine. do the same modules as myself. and gosh~ blardee heartwarming during our lunch convo, it's like wow~ singaporean!! i've never been so glad. trust me. but we could balance on the same bar, go "yar yar!!" and totally understand what each other had gone thru. talk about general stuff and still feel like home. [with the auzzies, it isnt difficult, i reckon it's just different, it's like a general conversation just breaks down into an awkward silence when there's no longer any common ground/ topic to dwell on/ relate to. and thus the staring in space, the clearing plates and the lame comments about tv shows and/or the weather. harhar]

but it's a good start. a good start it is.

2006-03-01T02:23:00.000+08:00

.holding it in.

i miss home.